What is DARVO?
My nervous system is not wired like the average person. I’m neurodivergent, or what I like to call neurospicy, since I’m on the highly sensitive end of the spectrum. Being highly sensitive, and an empath, means my nervous system notices, senses and feels things that the average person doesn’t.
I notice when one’s words, actions and energy don’t match, or are in conflict. I notice subtle shifts in energy, mood and behaviour. I have excellent pattern recognition and notice subtle microaggressions, passive aggressive behaviour and small red flags that many other people miss.
This week, I noticed someone subtly using DARVO in the workplace. It wasn’t in an overt way like you might see when people fight at home. It was a small misunderstanding and an attempted correction of behaviour that was not well received, followed by denial and a verbal attack.
I was able to recognize what was happening, in the present moment, and named it then and there, shutting down the situation immediately, not allowing it to escalate.
As I recognized what was happening, in the present, a ripple of memories came forward, and I recalled a lifetime of situations where people had used DARVO on me. In the past, I didn’t have the education, experience or understanding to name what was happening, and to stop it. This time I did and it healed decades of pain.
Being GenX, I grew up in a very different time when we didn’t have words and definitions for many of the bad things that happened to us. I think it’s important to accurately name things and give definitions to situations not only in the present, but also the past. I feel it helps immensely with healing.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym that stands for DENY, ATTACK and REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER.
DARVO is a 3-step manipulation technique that describes how individuals avoid accountability for their actions, when confronted with their inappropriate behaviour. DARVO has components of both gaslighting and blame-shifting. The perpetrator will deny the facts, attack the accuser, and then flip the situation to make themselves look like the victim, painting the actual victim as the instigator, aggressor or perpetrator.
DARVO is a calculated narrative shift used to avoid accountability and responsibility, maintain power and control, and discredit the accuser. DARVO works well, because it exploits common vulnerabilities of confusion, guilt, shame and the fear of not being believed.
DARVO isn’t only witnessed in domestic violence and intimate relationships. DARVO is seen in workplaces, institutions and public scandals.
Today, a certain president and administration to the south of Canada, excels at using DARVO to deny their horrific actions and discredit innocent victims.
1) DENIAL
The perpetrator won’t admit they’ve done anything wrong. They often adamantly deny any wrong doing, refusing to acknowledge and take responsibility for their words, actions, or behaviour.
They minimize the harm they caused and minimize feelings, “you’re being overly sensitive", “you’re blowing things out of proportion”, “you’re making a bid deal out of nothing”.
Denial often involves gaslighting, making you question and/or doubt your memories of the event, “it didn’t happen that way”, “I never said that”, “I didn’t do that”, “you’re exaggerating”.
2) ATTACK
The perpetrator continues to deny and argue that they’ve done nothing wrong, and shifts the narrative onto the victim or accuser. The perpetrator will often question the victim’s character, attack their credibility and/or motives, and deflect to unrelated issues like things you did in the past.
The attack can range from being called dramatic to bringing up mental health issues, past indiscretions, drinking or drug problems, or anything that makes the victim or accuser look bad.
3) REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER
Finally, the perpetrator attempts to reverse the roles of victim and offender, to make themselves look like the victim and the actual victim look like the instigator, aggressor, or perpetrator.
The perpetrator may lie and portray the victim as out to get them, wanting to steal their money, take their job or turn their family against them. They turn themselves into a victim of falsehoods making the victim look unstable and guilty of unfounded accusations.
DARVO effects your mental health and nervous system altering your sense of trust and safety. If you or someone you know has experienced DARVO first hand, be sure to seek help from a trained mental health professional, in addition to any nervous system healing or other somatic practices you may participate in.
🔥 Heather
I am a mental health advocate. Please seek help from a trained mental health professional if needed.